Day 67: A Hard Truth in Grief Finding meaning in the how or the when or even the fact that someone died is something our brains are wired to do, to try to figure out, to ruminate on, especially in the first days, weeks, months, and even years after our loss. I am going to make a potentially controversial statement—I believe that our brains are trying to make sense of an event that actually has little sense and little meaning, if any. We desperately want reasons for why

Day 65: “It’s bigger than you.” Elizabeth Gilbert’s words on grief after losing her beloved partner come to mind, especially for those in the first days, weeks and months after a loss. Grief is bigger than us, until we find a place for it to live in us. Grief is its own entity, with its own landscape, begging us to feel, assuring us that we won’t forget and that our love meant something. No one wants to grieve. And yet resisting it never seems to work for very long. #ber

Day 64: Grief is a Way Forward When I meet with folks, I inform them that my primary jobs are 1) to make sure that I assist them in clearing the pathway for their grief so it can exist and move and 2) to assure them that I nor others get in the way of their journey. And sometimes, people ask—“when these goals are accomplished, then what is left?” I think most of us hope for answers such as “the grief is over,” or “happiness” or “a return to normal life.” However, the hon

Day 63: Rituals: A Way to Hold On Sometimes we just need something to hold on to, to get to the next day, the next hour, the next minute. We need this even more when we are in deep grief and our world makes no sense. Cue, rituals. Yes. Rituals are often thought of as putting carrots out for Rudolph, or the perfect gravy for Thanksgiving, or a spiritual or religious practice, or New Year resolutions, or funerals, or birth announcements, or holiday cards. Yet, rituals ar

Day 61: Grief Changes Us Megan O’Rourke wrote ‘The Long Goodbye’ which tells the story of the loss of her mom. As a poet, she accesses words and phrases and descriptions that have always stuck with me. Grief will change us. We hear that all the time. But how it will change us and to what extent is as variable as we are. Each of my clients grieve parts of themselves that they got to be before the loss, even if they also feel that they are growing into fuller, more honest

Day 60: Truth: Anger is Part of Grief Anger shows up as a wise adaptation to loss. It is a fierce protector. It is active when all else feels so passive. It pulses in the body and reminds us we are living. It allows us to speak when words are not otherwise available. Anger likes to protect what is most raw. And anger knows there is love or connection or an unfulfilled hope or vision that is no longer. Anger is a sign that we have loved. And hoped. And dreamed. It is a s

Day 59: Grief is Not the Problem When I have my initial calls with folks looking for grief support, I try to be very clear about my understanding of grief. I don’t believe grief is a mental health disorder. I don’t believe grief is an experience to be fixed. I DO believe grief is a human endeavor that we will all go through, and that each of us is born with the ability to navigate it. I DO believe that in and of itself, grief is never the actual problem. Instead, the m

Day 53: Grief Balm And then there come those moments that offer some balm for grief. Grief balm comes in many forms (and yes, can be maddeningly inaccessible in the first phase of acute grief). When these moments of balm arrive, notice them. Bathe in them. Yesterday, my grief balm came in the form of “Let go, mama.” AND let me be very clear--grief balm doesn’t take away the grief. It doesn’t block it. It eases it. And sometimes, these moments are confusingly both amazing AND

Day 52: Grief is Not Contagious One aim I have in my work is to spread the word that grief is not contagious. The people my clients (and I) feel the most compassion from on a grief journey are the ones who manage their own fears when they show up. And don’t tiptoe. And offer their presence and take a risk to act, even if they have no idea what to do or to say. And yes. This isn’t easy. Grief can look so scary from the outside. There is no denying that. There might be lots of

Day 50: Grace: It Changes Things I use the word ‘grace’ a ton and have been wondering why I’m drawn to it as grief professional. First and foremost, I am tired of the phrases self-care and self-compassion. They are perfectly useful for many, so I don’t want to diminish their importance. I just find that ‘grace’ feels more relevant when it comes to a grief journey. Secondly, ‘grace’ is a relational term, which makes it keenly relevant to how we show up for ourselves during the

Day 49: Just. Show. Up. When people ask me, what should I do for someone who is grieving? How can I support them? My answer is simple. Just. Show. Up. And keep showing up. Small or big ways—it doesn’t matter. Just keep showing up. And try not to tiptoe. Grievers are already scared of their own reactions. They have never felt this nor done this before. Try to show up without fear (I know, easier said than done). Showing up without fear means being willing to not know. It might

Day 48: The Chatter of Grief Waves As sad as this feels to admit, being a grief professional doesn’t substitute as “preparation” for massive grief in my own life. When I’ve encountered what feels like the endless cycle of grief waves, I fell right into them with deep frustration and some despair—“when do these soften, at all?” On my easier days, I was able to observe the waves with more wonder and curiosity. How many ups and downs make up a grief journey? How many waves does

Day 47: Anticipatory Grief Anticipatory grief is a normal human reaction to impending loss, including all of the thinking, feeling, and social and cultural reactions to an expected loss. While it can look a lot like grief after the loss, it is different. What I hear often is people expecting themselves to have been “more ready” or “more prepared” if their loved one had a long illness, or if they were estranged, or if the relationship wasn’t what they wanted it to be. Others h

Day 46: Grief is Not a Singular Event When we grieve a major loss in our lives, the truth is that we will grieve many things within that loss. Grief does not contain itself to the loss of the person. It ripples, just as relationships ripple into our lives, touching each aspect of who we are and how we exist in our communities and the world. This ripple effect of grief is what is often called secondary loss. However, I don’t believe that “secondary” can even come close to ca

Day 45: Maya Angelou’s Wisdom I hold Maya Angelou’s wisdom close in my work and in my life. I have noticed that deep grief offers a fertile ground for growing up (not that anyone wants to hear that nor cares at the beginning of their grief journey). On the path of grief, many moments arise when one must decide whether to acknowledge and experience the pain of grief, or to turn away from it, burying it deeper inside. I do not believe there is one right way to grieve, ever. A

Day 43: Grief and Suicidality, in honor of National Suicide Prevention Week In deep grief, it is normal to have thoughts about not wanting for this to be your life, to want to disappear, and even passive suicidality such as “I wouldn’t care if that bus hit me.” These thoughts are more common than most people might expect. And many I’ve encountered initially speak of these as secret admissions, feeling a sense of shame and stigma around their experiences. Let’s just name tha

Day 42: Styles of Grief We humans do better when we can name something, and one of the most maddening parts of grief is not always having words for our experience. Some terminology I introduce early on in people’s grief journey relates to styles of grieving. It is important to know that these styles are on a continuum, and I believe that from the time we are born, we tend towards one style or another. Styles of grief is terminology coined by Terry Martin and Kenneth Do

Day 41: Dosing Grief The theme of oscillation in grief is on the front of my mind lately. Another word for oscillation in grief is “dosing.” What sets grief apart from some other struggles is that our system already knows how to do it, and in fact, begs us to engage with the difficult feelings and then take breaks from them. Early on in grief, this rhythm of dosing can be massively confusing—“how could I ever feel anything other than despair and dread and terribleness?

Day 40: Morale Boost I’ve noticed the heaviness of my posts over the last few weeks. Even though this is reflective of a grief process, it isn’t the complete story. When grief is allowed to move through us, our system understands we need breaks from the heaviness, a reprieve. This natural oscillation in grief is what allows for us to catch our breath, get a tiny bit more rest, re-group for the next wave, connect with others, and maybe even enjoy a laugh at something. W

Day 39: Antidotes to Despair As I walk with people in their grief, I am in awe of how humans keep getting out of bed and navigate the pragmatic difficulties of their new reality (most name that there isn’t much choice in this). Yet in this work, I have come to see humans as incredibly gritty and stubbornly hopeful without even knowing it. One pattern I have noticed that sets some grief journeys apart from others is when people engage with something generative. When I s