Day 74: The Fear of the Pain Not Feeling as Painful Many times, I hear about a fear that most people aren’t speaking about out loud. This fear has to do with feeling better or even different in the future, or not being able to access the deep pain that has been with them from the early part of their grief journey. This fear makes sense to me because this pain and suffering of our grief towards the beginning IS the immediate connection to the person, to the memories, to

Day 73: The Myopic Nature of Grief My first experience of grief was at age 4, after the death of my beloved cat, Elliot. Elliot went missing one day, and then the next evening, my dad found his body in the field across from our house. He had been hit by a car. It stuck with me that my beloved first pet died alone in that field—that he presumably was hit on the road, and then dragged himself to a place of solitude and quiet—a place he could be left alone to spend those

Day 72: Tears There are three different types of tears: emotional; reflex; and basal. Thus far, humans are the only known animal (with the exception of elephants and gorillas) that shed emotional tears. Not everyone who grieves does so via tears, yet I ache to provide a space for folks to have them when possible. The science is demonstrating that our emotional tears provide a release of stress hormones, as well as oxytocin and endorphins, offering an internal resource

Day 71: Anatomy of Grief-Shattered Heart In this work, I continue to be floored by how we can be at once shattered and whole, raw and powerful, vulnerable and alive. There is nothing like grief. In one moment, it can feel like it might kill you, and hours later, can feel entirely different. No one’s grief-heart anatomy will be the same….yet here is one take on it that reflects what I encounter most in my life and in my work. Welcome to my 100-day project. I hope to provide a

Day 70: “Acceptance” in Grief Out in the world, the word “acceptance” can imply agreement, or consent, or even acknowledgement that something is valid or correct. When we grieve, “acceptance” may be one of those words that makes you bristle (and rageful), and yet, the word seems to get thrown around a lot in grief. “Acceptance” shows up in the 5 stages of grief, it is in the 4 tasks of mourning, and it seems entrenched in the vernacular as some beacon that reveals healing. He

Day 69: We miss people in the everyday moments We miss people in the everyday life moments, in the ordinary, not in the extraordinary. We miss seeing their toothbrush on the counter, their glance across the room, their socks in the laundry, that phone call on the way to work, the text message super early in the morning, and even those annoying things they used to do. The ordinary is what becomes extraordinary in grief. #bereavement #grieftherapy #groundedgrief #acutegrief

Day 67: “Positive” & “Negative” in Grief Let’s be careful about the use of the words “positive” and “negative” to describe our own grief, or the grief journey of others. Grief is beyond positivity. Grief is beyond negativity. Grief is neither positive nor negative. Grief doesn’t want to be described either way. Grief is a way through loss and change. Grief isn’t felt because a person “is being negative.” It is felt because the person loved. And lost. And because there is

Day 68: Grief is its own entity. And it is not depression. I can get on a soapbox about how different grief and depression are. I admit it. I’ve already posted on it once, yet it feels important to return to once in awhile. Grief comes in waves. Depression doesn’t. Grief has depressive elements to it. I call these the “depths,” which are the lows that you have never felt before, the deep pits of pain, the searing missing, the grief-induced existential voids. Grief is a

Day 67: A Hard Truth in Grief Finding meaning in the how or the when or even the fact that someone died is something our brains are wired to do, to try to figure out, to ruminate on, especially in the first days, weeks, months, and even years after our loss. I am going to make a potentially controversial statement—I believe that our brains are trying to make sense of an event that actually has little sense and little meaning, if any. We desperately want reasons for why

Day 65: “It’s bigger than you.” Elizabeth Gilbert’s words on grief after losing her beloved partner come to mind, especially for those in the first days, weeks and months after a loss. Grief is bigger than us, until we find a place for it to live in us. Grief is its own entity, with its own landscape, begging us to feel, assuring us that we won’t forget and that our love meant something. No one wants to grieve. And yet resisting it never seems to work for very long. #ber

Day 64: Grief is a Way Forward When I meet with folks, I inform them that my primary jobs are 1) to make sure that I assist them in clearing the pathway for their grief so it can exist and move and 2) to assure them that I nor others get in the way of their journey. And sometimes, people ask—“when these goals are accomplished, then what is left?” I think most of us hope for answers such as “the grief is over,” or “happiness” or “a return to normal life.” However, the hon

Day 63: Rituals: A Way to Hold On Sometimes we just need something to hold on to, to get to the next day, the next hour, the next minute. We need this even more when we are in deep grief and our world makes no sense. Cue, rituals. Yes. Rituals are often thought of as putting carrots out for Rudolph, or the perfect gravy for Thanksgiving, or a spiritual or religious practice, or New Year resolutions, or funerals, or birth announcements, or holiday cards. Yet, rituals ar

Day 61: Grief Changes Us Megan O’Rourke wrote ‘The Long Goodbye’ which tells the story of the loss of her mom. As a poet, she accesses words and phrases and descriptions that have always stuck with me. Grief will change us. We hear that all the time. But how it will change us and to what extent is as variable as we are. Each of my clients grieve parts of themselves that they got to be before the loss, even if they also feel that they are growing into fuller, more honest

Day 60: Truth: Anger is Part of Grief Anger shows up as a wise adaptation to loss. It is a fierce protector. It is active when all else feels so passive. It pulses in the body and reminds us we are living. It allows us to speak when words are not otherwise available. Anger likes to protect what is most raw. And anger knows there is love or connection or an unfulfilled hope or vision that is no longer. Anger is a sign that we have loved. And hoped. And dreamed. It is a s

Day 59: Grief is Not the Problem When I have my initial calls with folks looking for grief support, I try to be very clear about my understanding of grief. I don’t believe grief is a mental health disorder. I don’t believe grief is an experience to be fixed. I DO believe grief is a human endeavor that we will all go through, and that each of us is born with the ability to navigate it. I DO believe that in and of itself, grief is never the actual problem. Instead, the m

Day 58: Friendship & Grief A revelation I have had in my work is that I would be out of a job if we all lived in a supportive community that enacted familiar grief rituals so that we could feel witnessed in our pain and loved (and not feared) in our suffering. Deep friendship is one of the closest things we have to this. Just as there is grief balm in those moments of joy, friendship can be the healing salve for the pain of grief. Friendship doesn’t take away the pain,

Day 57: The Enemies of Compassion Joan Halifax, a Zen Buddhist teacher with a background as a hospice worker, speaks such truth. Her words on compassion resonate and remind me of the many years I worked in hospice. I can say with great confidence that not a single one of the hospice patients I met wanted pity, nor benefited from it. Not a single one of them wanted fear from those who visited, nor benefited from it. And it is the same for those who grieve—pity and fear are

Day 56: Grief Mystery I still find grief mysterious. One mystery I think about all the time is how grief can shatter us, and despite that, we retain some ability to function. One client of mine put it best—"grief is maddening. Why is it that I can still do a few things? I feel as though it should have already killed me.” It wasn’t until I was immersed in grief work that I became in awe of parts of humanity. Sure. Definitely not all the time. We can have awful and violen

Day 55: The Change of Seasons The first day of Fall was yesterday and while some are anticipating gourd season and pumpkin spice lattes, most grievers are not. Many are questioning why the past week has felt hard, and are also confused by this shift in their grief. Below is my attempt to provide some context for this normal uptick of tricky grief symptoms and rawness during a change of season. Any transition in our lives will invite the opportunity for reflection—an assess

Day 54: The Dreading Days The “dreading days” come in many forms—birthdays, anniversaries, any holiday, big or small, the date of a beloved concert years ago, and of course, the anniversary of the death. AND the anniversary of the death doesn’t just hit hard on the year-mark—it might loom on day of the week that the death happened--“every Tuesday I brace myself”-- or the day of the month--“it’s the 16th again—I always tank around now.” Here is a 5-Step Guide as you approach a