Day 58: How Does a Therapist Grieve #11 ? Knowing the Differences between Empathy and Compassion This may be a controversial topic because there is so much out there that tells us we lack empathy in the world. I don’t necessarily agree (mainly with the semantics of that). I think there is a lack of the ability to tolerate an empathetic connection beyond 4 seconds. Empathy is a feeling with—one human’s nervous system connecting to another’s to take the perspective and fe

Grieving a child is barely survivable. I see it everyday. As I am with people trying to survive the unimaginable, I spend a lot of time with them in the why. Sitting in the why is torture AND a necessary stop in grief. Sitting in the why of yesterday needs to happen. I don’t believe there is a simple answer to why it was these 19 children who died, instead of my own child ….but THERE IS A WHY to sit in and be acknowledged for the fact that another massacre happened. We

Day 59: How Does a Grief Therapist Grieve #10 ? Allow the Absence to Take Shape The grief is taking up residence. It has moved in. It is taking shape. It’s been about 2 months and my grief is no longer diffuse and hard to pin down, like it was at the beginning. Instead, it has weight and shape to it—even a sharpness that I don’t want to admit feels harder to bear than at the beginning. There is so much irony in this grief process—allowing the grief to take shape, and

Day 57: How Does a Therapist Grieve #9 ? I let myself fall apart in the car and on the airplane. Cars and planes can be grief incubators. They provide (in my opinion) a pretty damn good recipe for being able to sit with the pain of your grief. Here is the recipe: Strangers + Forced Space for Unfocused Attention + Existential Thoughts (maybe more on planes due to hurling through the air) + Forced Stillness + Literal Perspective (watching the silliness of human lives t

Day 56: How Does a Grief Therapist Grieve #8 ? I hold the possibility that there is enough space for both my own grief AND for the immensity of grief that so many are experiencing in our country and world. The assault on Roe v Wade (aka WOMEN) interacts with my own grief. The terror of the War in Ukraine elicits my own grief. I believe that in its pure and honest form, grief connects us, instead of divides us. Grief is a human experience. All so often, I hear this from

Day 55: How Does a Therapist Grieve #7 ? Surrendering to Receiving (featuring work by artist @paulxrutz ) Receiving help can feel like an admission of not-okness. Over the years, I’ve seen it happen in some clients as they walk through the door of my office, tears welling up as they land in a spot that acknowledges that they are not doing well. Receiving might also feel hard because of societal learnings and burdens around reciprocity. I am finding that to receive from

Day 54: How Does a Therapist Grieve #6 ? Facing the truth that the grief will not go away. Saying that the grief “won’t go away” can be frightening. Yet, I’ve found for so many grievers, this phrase is also relieving. But why? We are pressured so often to “be ok” when we’re really not, to be “moved on,” when there is no such thing, to “let go” when the context of our lives does not allow that, and for our grief to “subside” when what does that even mean in grief? Being a

Day 53: How Does a Therapist Grieve #5 ? Seek Out Projects (Hammer preferred) I grew up going to the hardware store with my dad. I always appreciated (and still do) the consistent candy options at the check-out, the concrete floors, a full aisle of nails, and even the sharp sound of a key being cut. My daughter and I have found ourselves at ACE many times over the past year, and even more in the past month. Recently, we’ve built a platform/elevator with pulley for her

Day 52: How Does a Therapist Grieve #4 ? Allowing For Not Knowing and Mind Changing My ability and willingness (and even relief) to say “I have no idea,” no matter what that not knowing is about, has been a learning I’ve embraced since the beginning of the pandemic. Not knowing and saying it out loud is in my experience, a shift from a feeling of helplessness to an experience of powerlessness. I choose powerlessness any day, which I experience as a full embrace of what

Day 51: How Does a Therapist Grieve #3 ? By Getting Lost in a Meaty Novel As much as I let the absences flow over and into and through me, I also know that part of grief is oscillating—moving from a depth, to something else. Sometimes, this something else is a happy memory. But more than not in early grief, it needs to be completely unrelated—a break, a pause, a momentary shift from one’s reality. I do not call this distraction. I do not call this dissociation. I call i

Day 50: How Does a Therapist Grieve #2 ? Noticing the Absences As painful as it is, I let myself notice the absences. My mom offered up “the blessing” at a family dinner—something I’ve never heard her do in my entire life. My dad wasn’t at the top of the driveway to greet us. The lights are lower in the house, instead of achingly bright as he liked them. His car takes up the same spot. It is about that time that it is beginning to feel odd to not have spoken to him. The

Day 49: 1a. Why these Children’s Grief Books? The reason I offer up these books is that they cover the 4 important elements in navigating death/dying conversations with young children: 1) The Process of Death (the How) 2) Grief Emotions (normalizing this confusing landscape) 3) Continuing Bond (finding an enduring connection despite physical absence) 4) Supporting the Grown-Up (how to show up for our own stuff around death as we parent). Process of Death: Parents te

Day 48: How Does a Grief Therapist Grieve? Collect Quality Children’s Grief Books. As I grief therapist, I am supposed to tell you that I put myself first when my dad died, honored my process, and let my grief be most important. But that’s not what happened. As a parent to a 5 year old who was very close to her Bapa, and being that I do not live with another adult, putting my grief first did not happen. At least that first day. My 5 year old was the first person who I to

Day 47: A New Series—How Does a Grief Therapist Grieve? In no particular order, I will be sharing on the topic of grieving as a grief therapist. This question has come up for some lately, and I will run with it. The major caveats to what I have to share include: 1) I am only one human, living one specific life, and do not/cannot represent any “correct” or “right” way when it comes to how to grieve. 2) Most of what I have learned to center for myself during my own gr

Day 46: Grief Fog—a benevolent companion The fog of grief is something I hear about often, and feel encompassed by at the moment. I have learned to embrace it, because I know it is protective. The fog knows there is the creep of the visceral knowing that all is different—which seems to sneak in late at night and in the early mornings. It is the knowing, maybe only for a few seconds, that I exist in a new world. And that knowing is way too much to know and hold in the b

Day 45: Early on in grief, absence looms as it’s own presence. It is in every nook and cranny. Vacuuming the rug you gave me. Your slippers at the garage entrance. Your bathrobe hanging on the hook. The last text I sent, not replied to with “love, dad.” Your rhododendrons in the back. You died, and then the next day, spring came. The buds opened. The pollen blanketed my car. We started to sneeze. We picked some eager rhododendron blossoms that don’t usually bloom until Ma

Day 43: Anything Could Happen When our people die, anything could happen. In early grief, I am finding a pattern of death awareness to bone fatigue on repeat. I’m so aware of dying. It’s not a fear of death itself…mostly wanting to be sure I don’t die so my 5 year old doesn’t have another one on her hands. Her parents’ marriage died, then her fish, Rainbow, died, and then her beloved Bapa died. It’s enough. I didn’t let my trusted doctor adjust my neck. I proceeded out of

Day 42: Grief is Confusing It just is. So confusing. Because it also can be clarifying. And then confusing again. And then it feels like wisdom. And then it can feel like it clouds all. So, go slow. And give yourself and others grace. #grief #bereavement #grieftherapy #griefcounseling #groundedgrief #acutegrief #traumaticgrief #disenfranchisedgrief #miscarriage #suicide #homicide #infertility #nondeathloss #divorce #petloss #complicatedgrief #griefeducation #ambiguousloss #

Day 41: Enough. I like this word. I like how it sounds coming out of my mouth. I like that I can say it calmly, clearly. I like that it can be soft and forceful at the same time. I like that it is one word, and doesn’t need an explanation to follow. I think a lot about boundaries, as I have learned so much from my clients as I witness their grieving. Most grieving humans don’t have time for bullshit. And, there are moments in grief that bring enormous clarity. I have c

Day 40: Grief and the Pause In the grief world, there is a lot of talk about how important it is to FEEL the grief, to have it, to be in the mire of it. Yet grief isn’t that simple, nor that cruel. Grief also has a built in “pause” button. Some people believe this pause to be “avoidance” or “distraction.” There are certainly times when I meet folks who have compartmentalized their grief to an extent of “avoidance,” yet it’s actually pretty rare. Grief is so powerful