Day 43: Anything Could Happen When our people die, anything could happen. In early grief, I am finding a pattern of death awareness to bone fatigue on repeat. I’m so aware of dying. It’s not a fear of death itself…mostly wanting to be sure I don’t die so my 5 year old doesn’t have another one on her hands. Her parents’ marriage died, then her fish, Rainbow, died, and then her beloved Bapa died. It’s enough. I didn’t let my trusted doctor adjust my neck. I proceeded out of

Day 42: Grief is Confusing It just is. So confusing. Because it also can be clarifying. And then confusing again. And then it feels like wisdom. And then it can feel like it clouds all. So, go slow. And give yourself and others grace. #grief #bereavement #grieftherapy #griefcounseling #groundedgrief #acutegrief #traumaticgrief #disenfranchisedgrief #miscarriage #suicide #homicide #infertility #nondeathloss #divorce #petloss #complicatedgrief #griefeducation #ambiguousloss #

Day 41: Enough. I like this word. I like how it sounds coming out of my mouth. I like that I can say it calmly, clearly. I like that it can be soft and forceful at the same time. I like that it is one word, and doesn’t need an explanation to follow. I think a lot about boundaries, as I have learned so much from my clients as I witness their grieving. Most grieving humans don’t have time for bullshit. And, there are moments in grief that bring enormous clarity. I have c

Day 40: Grief and the Pause In the grief world, there is a lot of talk about how important it is to FEEL the grief, to have it, to be in the mire of it. Yet grief isn’t that simple, nor that cruel. Grief also has a built in “pause” button. Some people believe this pause to be “avoidance” or “distraction.” There are certainly times when I meet folks who have compartmentalized their grief to an extent of “avoidance,” yet it’s actually pretty rare. Grief is so powerful

Day 39: Grief as stubbornly suspenseful The maddening and confusing and relentless and stubborn nature of grief is something I hear about often, as well as have experienced myself. C.S. Lewis’s words hit home as he reflected on the relentless grief when his partner died. C.S. wrote A Grief Observed in 1961 and this a slim, yet powerful read continues to occupy a front and center place on my bookshelf. #grief #bereavement #grieftherapy #griefcounseling #groundedgrief #acuteg

Day 38: Grief is a Learning Process Learning can be brutally hard. Think of how difficult it can be to learn a new language, a new sport, a new job—all things that some of us make choices towards. And then, think about learning something you don’t want to learn—how much harder that is. And then, think about learning something that is your nightmare, and then having to re-encounter that every day. This type of learning involves re-working a new world while simultaneously ca

Day 37: In honor of the heart… I woke up thinking about my heart today. Sending thoughts for your heart, and celebrating all of the beautiful wounds that you may carry. For more thoughts on the heart, see a previous post-- Day 71: Anatomy of a Grief-Shattered Heart. #grief #bereavement #grieftherapy #griefcounseling #groundedgrief #acutegrief #traumaticgrief #disenfranchisedgrief #miscarriage #suicide #homicide #infertility #nondeathloss #divorce #petloss #complicatedgrief

Day 36: Rainbow Died… We talk about death in our house. A lot. Because it seems to come up when you have a 5 year old. Here are just a few questions I’ve gotten lately: · Mama—do you know what I found yesterday? A leaf skeleton. Did you know that leaves die too? And they have skeletons? · Mama—when will our bunny die? · Mama---when will we die? · Mama—how did Rainbow the fish get dead? Kids are incredibly able to navigate these conversations if the adult involved can

Day 34: The cost of judging our grief… One powerful learning I’m metabolizing as of late is that so much harm is done when we assign moral meaning to our emotions (thanks, Mike Elkin, IFS trainer). Emotions do not have moral meaning. They are a result of us being human beings. So many of us have been socialized and taught to assign moral meaning to the experience of and emotions of grief—meaning we judge ourselves for the extent of the pain and mire and the torture of

Day 32: Rage & Anger & Grief Francis Weller’s words have helped reveal to me all the ways to be in relationship with rage and anger. I welcome rage into my sessions. Rage is unprocessed grief that needs to be seen and cared for. It needs space to exist, and then melt into the grief that it is. I welcome anger into my sessions and into my life. Anger is a relational process, revealing how our boundaries have been crossed, and is a way of telling our stories about what is

Day 31: Strong and Shattered--Anyone else encounter this type of interaction? Let me be clear—when we call those in grief “strong,” I know the intention is typically to offer support and comfort. AND, responding to those in grief can feel hard, and leave us without words and sitting with our own discomfort of witnessing deep pain. And we can get better at this. And it’s ok to not know what to say. And to name that. Grievers will feel your attempt to be present with their

Day 30: These Words I have been sitting with Resmaa Menakem’s words. A lot. Please explore his work, Somatic Abolitionism, if you have yet to encounter it. #somaticabolitionism #grief #bereavement #grieftherapy #griefcounseling #groundedgrief #acutegrief #traumaticgrief #disenfranchisedgrief #miscarriage #suicide #homicide #infertility #nondeathloss #divorce #petloss #complicatedgrief #griefeducation #ambiguousloss #childgrief #selfcompassion #bereavedparents #bereavedfamilie

Day 29: I cannot imagine… When people say “I cannot imagine,” they are actually imagining. They are actually going there—tapping into the innate human empathy center that allows each one of us to connect to another’s pain. And then, most people notice how painful that is to do and stop themselves from going further. And that’s ok. And that’s human too. However, it’s gotten all too normalized to stop ourselves, to not sit longer in witnessing someone’s deep pain. It’s b

Day 28: Grief awaits the village One thing I say a lot is that I don’t think I would have a job if our western culture hadn’t lost connection to our innate human ability to be with grief. I believe we are all born with the capacity to sit with others in pain, witness what is irreversible, and companion our fellow humans in the worst moments of their life. I believe that we came from ancient people and cultures that had this figured out—that grief needs community, and t

Day 27: And then… …there are those days that you can look up, and notice something you haven’t seen, ever, or in a new light, or paradoxically, because of the very presence of the grief in your life. I looked up today. The sun is out here and that’s big amidst a pacific northwest winter. I squinted as I got out of my car and I really looked this time at the mural on the side of the building where we live. Despite my daughter calling our home the flower house for almost

Day 26: Just some thought meanderings… I believe there is both truth and myth to the adage that “you will forever be changed” by your grief. What I experience is that it is both—forever changed and ever more myself. (With the major caveat that one is actually acknowledging and tending to their grief). Grief is full of irony. #grief #bereavement #grieftherapy #griefcounseling #groundedgrief #acutegrief #traumaticgrief #disenfranchisedgrief #miscarriage #suicide #homicide #i

Day 25: Sorrow and Yearning: They are Different We ache for words to fit our experiences. And we also ache for our experiences to be understood in simple terms, especially when our capacity is already so limited. And yet our language has still not evolved enough to simply encapsulate grief in a matter of a few words. Rather, it takes paragraphs, imagery, metaphors, novels, memoirs, and poetry anthologies to even begin to touch this ache for our grief to be seen and wit

Day 24: Grief is full of Irony Grief is full of irony… · Feeling shattered and alive at the same time · The massive downs paired with the odd moments of ok-ness (or neutrality) · The pain that you want to feel and hold onto · The wanting to be around people and not at the same time · The wanting to never feel the pain while also worrying what it means to not · The wanting to talk about it and not all at the same time · The wanting for it to be acknowledged and seen som

Day 23: Breaking Down in Grief Pearls of grief wisdom are sometimes in the oddest places—the grocery check-out person, the stranger on the sidewalk, a song in a youtube ad, and for me as of late, during some workout chatter (thanks, @robinnyc ). Breaking down in grief is a way through. Letting yourself feel the parts of you that are now shattered in this and allowing for the acknowledgement of the implosion of one’s life is the first step to allowing the grief to move

Day 22: Sometimes Grief Needs Quiet Grief often needs extra quiet, space, time alone, and time away. Yet giving grief this early on is almost impossible. Offering grief space and quiet and time alone can be scary. Yet, when this is provided to grief, I often notice there is great relief. The shoulders go down, the breath returns, the mind races a little less, the sleep improves. It’s ok if you’re at the place where it feels impossible to give this to your grief. And it’s