Day 57: The Enemies of Compassion Joan Halifax, a Zen Buddhist teacher with a background as a hospice worker, speaks such truth. Her words on compassion resonate and remind me of the many years I worked in hospice. I can say with great confidence that not a single one of the hospice patients I met wanted pity, nor benefited from it. Not a single one of them wanted fear from those who visited, nor benefited from it. And it is the same for those who grieve—pity and fear are

Day 56: Grief Mystery I still find grief mysterious. One mystery I think about all the time is how grief can shatter us, and despite that, we retain some ability to function. One client of mine put it best—"grief is maddening. Why is it that I can still do a few things? I feel as though it should have already killed me.” It wasn’t until I was immersed in grief work that I became in awe of parts of humanity. Sure. Definitely not all the time. We can have awful and violen

Day 55: The Change of Seasons The first day of Fall was yesterday and while some are anticipating gourd season and pumpkin spice lattes, most grievers are not. Many are questioning why the past week has felt hard, and are also confused by this shift in their grief. Below is my attempt to provide some context for this normal uptick of tricky grief symptoms and rawness during a change of season. Any transition in our lives will invite the opportunity for reflection—an assess

Day 54: The Dreading Days The “dreading days” come in many forms—birthdays, anniversaries, any holiday, big or small, the date of a beloved concert years ago, and of course, the anniversary of the death. AND the anniversary of the death doesn’t just hit hard on the year-mark—it might loom on day of the week that the death happened--“every Tuesday I brace myself”-- or the day of the month--“it’s the 16th again—I always tank around now.” Here is a 5-Step Guide as you approach a

Day 53: Grief Balm And then there come those moments that offer some balm for grief. Grief balm comes in many forms (and yes, can be maddeningly inaccessible in the first phase of acute grief). When these moments of balm arrive, notice them. Bathe in them. Yesterday, my grief balm came in the form of “Let go, mama.” AND let me be very clear--grief balm doesn’t take away the grief. It doesn’t block it. It eases it. And sometimes, these moments are confusingly both amazing AND

Day 52: Grief is Not Contagious One aim I have in my work is to spread the word that grief is not contagious. The people my clients (and I) feel the most compassion from on a grief journey are the ones who manage their own fears when they show up. And don’t tiptoe. And offer their presence and take a risk to act, even if they have no idea what to do or to say. And yes. This isn’t easy. Grief can look so scary from the outside. There is no denying that. There might be lots of

Day 50: Grace: It Changes Things I use the word ‘grace’ a ton and have been wondering why I’m drawn to it as grief professional. First and foremost, I am tired of the phrases self-care and self-compassion. They are perfectly useful for many, so I don’t want to diminish their importance. I just find that ‘grace’ feels more relevant when it comes to a grief journey. Secondly, ‘grace’ is a relational term, which makes it keenly relevant to how we show up for ourselves during the

Day 49: Just. Show. Up. When people ask me, what should I do for someone who is grieving? How can I support them? My answer is simple. Just. Show. Up. And keep showing up. Small or big ways—it doesn’t matter. Just keep showing up. And try not to tiptoe. Grievers are already scared of their own reactions. They have never felt this nor done this before. Try to show up without fear (I know, easier said than done). Showing up without fear means being willing to not know. It might

Day 48: The Chatter of Grief Waves As sad as this feels to admit, being a grief professional doesn’t substitute as “preparation” for massive grief in my own life. When I’ve encountered what feels like the endless cycle of grief waves, I fell right into them with deep frustration and some despair—“when do these soften, at all?” On my easier days, I was able to observe the waves with more wonder and curiosity. How many ups and downs make up a grief journey? How many waves does

Day 47: Anticipatory Grief Anticipatory grief is a normal human reaction to impending loss, including all of the thinking, feeling, and social and cultural reactions to an expected loss. While it can look a lot like grief after the loss, it is different. What I hear often is people expecting themselves to have been “more ready” or “more prepared” if their loved one had a long illness, or if they were estranged, or if the relationship wasn’t what they wanted it to be. Others h