Since grief does not show up as an outward, physical wound, grieving isn’t allowed the same grace or time that other physical ailments tend to receive. When we grieve deeply, we are trying to learn a new world that can feel unbelievable for a long time, re-working what we think of ourselves, rexamining what we believe in, and how (if at all) we can connect to a sense of hope. This exploration process is a full body, mental, emotional, and at times (and for those who this fits

In grief, words fail us. Often. They can fail us when you are the one grieving, as the intensity of grief is both so unique AND like nothing else you may have experienced. And, so many struggle to know “what to say” when we are showing up for someone going through it (more on this topic in future posts). If we could all just start from the baseline that sometimes there just aren’t proper words—words to describe what we are going through and words to offer when we see so much

Grief is hard to define and describe because it is directly shaped by our relationship to what or who we are grieving. And our relationships are complex and rich and complicated and confusing. No one can be inside of our bodies and hearts to know exactly what that relationship feels like, which can contribute to the deep sense of loneliness that grief often brings. And while grief can be as variable as us humans and our relationships are, we tend to be more similar than diff

Day 19: Grief is not a Disorder Grief is many things AND it is not a disorder. Grief is our innate biology working to navigate life transitions and change. This doesn’t mean that grief doesn’t feel brutal and unbearable at times. For some people, a grief experience can feel worse than anything else they have been diagnosed with in the past. What makes grief feel like a mental health disorder is when the grief itself hasn’t moved or shifted. When grief stagnates in us, this s

Young children teach us adults so much about grief. As long as children are provided the space to feel their emotions (and yes, that can be difficult), they allow their grief to happen, to move, and to oscillate from moments of releasing their pain (yes, this might be a tantrum, wailing, screaming) to the downturn of that release (looking like they are just fine/able to play/as if they have forgotten all about what just happened). Young children have not yet absorbed the perv

Grief comes in waves is an age-old adage and from what I’ve come to observe is this is still truth. In its natural, uninterrupted state, grief is meant to oscillate from moments of engagement with that overwhelming pain, to moments of reprieve. The oscillation is what I believe to be our biology at work—our innate ability to grieve is already in us. The wave-movement of these different states is actually what allows for healing, and for our grief to evolve into something more

We grieve for what we hoped could be, for what we hoped was possible. Grief arises with force when our hope for what was possible is no longer. I have many folks come to me, confused by why their grief is so intense. Perhaps they grieve a relationship that was estranged, or a family member who was abusive towards them, or something they know wasn’t ultimately good for them, yet they are deeply affected. This is a form of disenfranchised grief, in which we (or others) diminish

Our grief is deeply shaped by the nature of our relationship to the person or situation we are grieving. In fact, as hard as it might be to hear, I have observed that one of the most reliable predictors of what our grief journey may look and feel like tends to be reflective of what the relationship looked and felt like. When we love deeply, we grieve deeply. AND love and being in relationship can be complicated, complex, messy, and at times, confusing and brutal (which is som

Along with a proper grief name tag to wear, I’ve always wanted to have a grief-appropriate prescription pad. In acute grief, which is the initial phase after the loss when one’s world might be inhabitable and upside down, people often feel there are no things or acts that bring much comfort. And often, the burden is placed on the person grieving to not only figure out what those are, but also educate those around them. In short, the acute grief phase is not a time for emotio

Grief is the ultimate swim upstream. Growing up in the Pacific Northwest, I learned from an early age about the wonders of salmon. What stood out to me has always been their journey back to their home streams from the ocean. As they return to the exact stream of their birth, they swim against the current, which often involves flinging their underbellies towards the waves of waterfalls in order to take a hit so immense that they fly up into the air, landing a little bit closer

C.S. Lewis wrote A Grief Observed after his own experience of losing his partner. This small book has always stuck with me. His observation that grief feels like fear is something I hear from folks every day. When we lose someone significant to us, our sense of trust in ourselves, others, and the world can feel obliterated. This shattering of that trust often shows up as increased fearfulness, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and the urge to cocoon or run. Increased fearfulness i

I wish any of us could actually know and prepare for our grief journey. Here are some truths I’ve come to believe about grief timelines: There are 3 Phases in Grief : 1) Learning that the loss happened; 2) The Head and Heart connecting on the reality of the loss; and 3) Learning to live with this reality in one’s ongoing life. 1) The first phase is learning that the death, the event, the loss, actually happened. And that takes time. Learning that something happened can be

In grief, we are growing in two [seemingly] opposite directions. One growth direction is towards accessing our own strength and power and truth. This is the one that society recognizes as “healing.” The other way we are growing is towards our capacity to access and tolerate our own pain. This direction doesn’t usually feel like growth or healing; it is hard and messy, less sexy, less spoken about, and might even be mistaken for regressing or moving backwards. However, it is j