C.S. Lewis wrote A Grief Observed after his own experience of losing his partner. This small book has always stuck with me. His observation that grief feels like fear is something I hear from folks every day. When we lose someone significant to us, our sense of trust in ourselves, others, and the world can feel obliterated. This shattering of that trust often shows up as increased fearfulness, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and the urge to cocoon or run. Increased fearfulness i

I wish any of us could actually know and prepare for our grief journey. Here are some truths I’ve come to believe about grief timelines: There are 3 Phases in Grief : 1) Learning that the loss happened; 2) The Head and Heart connecting on the reality of the loss; and 3) Learning to live with this reality in one’s ongoing life. 1) The first phase is learning that the death, the event, the loss, actually happened. And that takes time. Learning that something happened can be

In grief, we are growing in two [seemingly] opposite directions. One growth direction is towards accessing our own strength and power and truth. This is the one that society recognizes as “healing.” The other way we are growing is towards our capacity to access and tolerate our own pain. This direction doesn’t usually feel like growth or healing; it is hard and messy, less sexy, less spoken about, and might even be mistaken for regressing or moving backwards. However, it is j

When we are grieving, we tend to remember how we felt in someone’s presence (if we are seen and heard OR not) instead of the exact words someone said. However, words can and do matter. The time of acute grief is filled with harder and easier moments that cycle rapidly. It is such a different experience from depression and anxiety and can feel so unfamiliar and unsettling. Easier and Harder have been the words I have found that best describe the cycle of these moments and the

Disloyalty in grief is that experience of feeling badly for feeling ok. It tends to happen in those moments that you chuckle at something and then get that drop in your stomach—how could I have any other emotion besides the devastating ones? I have yet to meet a grieving person who doesn’t have this experience. We humans swim in emotions about our emotions. This second layer of emotions, namely the self-punishing and diminishing ones, is where disloyalty lives. I have come